Typing Exercise
This is for me #1
I feel guilty for unloading on Gail. I feel like I get attention with my emotions, I feel guilty for some of these high intensity emotions, sometimes I feel like I am being super genuine and other times see like right now I am judging what comes out of my mouth and its ridiculous and debilitiating or maybe im just thinking of what I want to say. I feel sad, deeply deeply sad, I feel like mom has no boundaries when it comes to understanding that that was weird for her to point out that Dad feels jealous about her family I feel tired and spacey I feel emotionally drained, I feel comfortable in this spot right now with the slight breeze and dusk lighting and ac on in the background, I feel exhausted, I feel mostly sad and like I have to keep my mouth shut around my sister or else she will I feel like she is two faced says one thing and does the other prime example she told me about the gift and said we could get it but maybe she didn’t realize we could go halfsies on it. I feel like tired. I feel tired. The moment I got I cant even finished my thoughts I just want to sleep. I feel like I could type this and then fall asleep while typing, I feel tired, I feel like mom is trying her best to learn how to I feel like mom I feel like Allison starts shit, I feel like I want to Allison doesn’t know herself and nothing anyone does for her pleases her its not enough its never enough, I have the same thoughts of not enough thinking back to I put my housemates in a very uncomfortable situation when I was going through a lot. I made them feel not enough, I made them feel not comfortable and frustrated and annoyed yet I see now that they tried to help. I feel tired, stay with this what else do I feel, I feel like I just unload, I feel like im a burden that’s it is, I think I feel that way towards my sister, I feel like I cannot do anything right in her eyes, I feel like she has an unhealthy connections or doesn’t know how to connect, I feel weird I judge my actions a lot after they happen especially when I feel vulnerable, I replay interactions in my head a lot, a lot a lot ,so much it’s debilitating or way to far in the future, I feel like I am not enough in your eyes allie, I feel like its hard to connect with you, I feel like you are really hard to please, I feel like I cannot say the right thing or do the right thing, I feel like you live your life in a shit storm one chaotic event to the next, I feel like I am getting off track, I feel so tired, I feel like I am burden to you and I just want to stay out of your way, I feel wanting to be vengeful towards you, I wish you were different, i feel defeated, I feel so tired and drained. I feel really like I don’t have the answers. I feel like I attach myself too easily to other peoples ish, family or friends, especially when I vulnerable, I feel like I can’t self regulate like I need someone to help me do things, I feel I want to get through this productively. I feel like do I like attention for all my emotions? No I feel like I have a lot to process and just hold it in
a
burden.
I hate that feeling. It's the worst. That feeling can actually burn in hell. I hate it so much it's not the truth and I want to blame it on so much family dysfunction and in this case my sister (the weekend from hell - dads birthday and sheri's memorial service)
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